April 2, 2011 § 2 Comments
You wonder how you could end up in this position. Sitting down in front of this table, with two people you respect the most not because of their importance and influence, but because of their immense effort in trying to help you. A glass of coke was offered, a pen and a blank sheet of paper was taken, and conversation began. It was probably one of the most important days in my life. We were going to talk about me.
Changes will have to be made, and this can only be facilitated by the people I can still trust. I’ve once again moved to the backseat, but this time willingly after I cried for someone to take the driver’s seat for me. Revolutionary road; it’s time to walk the talk. Change is the essence.
The conversation was carried out carefully; unnecessary details was prematurely discussed. They may matter, they may not. I was asked a series of questions. Where do I want to be; what do I want to do; what makes my heart beats faster; what is of interest for many involved; who should be involved; who should not be involved. I dutifully answer, hiding a chunk of cautious skepticism at the back of my head.
A line from Katherine McPhee’s song flashed through my head, “I’m in love; I’m terrified”. I was. After all that I had been through, I had the right to be. Focus and determination was radiating from them, the energy comforts me. After all that they’d seen me gone through, they’re the ones who have to provide guidance. I wanted to protect myself by avoiding expectations; but I needed to trust people to help me, so then I choose the ones whom I can trust.
Several conversations took place prior to this. I had to do my job. Good reasoning did a good job. But now the avalanche has started, and this time I’m a bench player sitting down watching the game being played. This is not my game just yet; my part comes later but they needed to know I was up for this.
In the end, as any teacher-student sessions usually ends: I got myself a homework.
I wind up sitting in the sun today. To soak up inspiration for the homework. I needed to type some things down; concise as opposed to lengthy, neutral as opposed to partial, convincing as opposed to weak.
Years of waiting, moments of betrayal, months of grief. That’s how you could end up in this position. As Peter Atkins said, “All change, (…) arises from an underlying collapse into chaos.” It’s time for a change. So let’s go down this road.
April, 2011. Multatuli.