February 20, 2011 § 2 Comments
Posted in https://freedocere.wordpress.com
Library. Everyone has their own picture of what it looks like. But this is my shrine. My own space and time where I just sit down and think.
In this small town, I don’t have much to do on a Sunday, and yet, I always feel like if I don’t try hard enough to write or read, someone whispers in my ears “Youth is the every moment you pass… every moment you waste.” I just had to get out of my flat and sit somewhere. I have to recharge and refuel every once in a while.
My stomach felt empty. I didn’t have breakfast this morning; quite typical of my days. I had a glass of cappuccino, and stopped by at a warm café for a hot chocolate before coming here to this library.
The desks and chairs invite people to stay over and spend a short afternoon here. Suddenly I realize, this is an intimate escape for many people here. It’s a Sunday, but everyone here is apparently not at home with their family. I wonder what kind of people spend their Sunday afternoon here.
One, for example, is a heartbroken girl, desperate for some inspiration and wanted a boost for figuring out her feelings and reasons for living. Another one is a young student eager to immerse herself in literary seriousness of Roth and perhaps plan her adventurous trip abroad, as she roams around the travel books. An older man looks like professor who just needs to get his work done, maybe away from the screaming sounds of his children at home. A poet and writer is there for some alone time and writing before being forced to return to a job she hated and the life others forced upon her on the weekdays.
What do they have in their minds? Is this the only place where they can seek solace and comfort today? Where they experience feelings and adventures from stories. Away from the uncomfortable knowledge of how things are not as good as what they want them to be. Away from the real life they don’t want for themselves.
I’d like to think that people are here to have themselves entertained by books. And of course there are always people who need references for their essays and papers; and just another book or two to read. But maybe a lot of them are just like me; desperately focusing their mind on something to get away from the screeching sounds of reality. They just want to revive their minds and bring some life back into their souls.
The quietness calms me. These people, each is alone, but together anyway, made me feel like I’m not the only one seeking refuge here. As it gets busier, the sounds of life around me is comforting. I just need some sense of normalcy. When I’m here, there is no past, no future. I am simply being me, at present.
– Ajeng. 20 February 2011 –
February 20, 2011 § 1 Comment
Posted on https://freedocere.wordpress.com
There is such thing as non-existing memories of “what could have been”:
They are the future of the past. The consequences of failures.
The dried blood on your scraped head,
too hard to wipe off because it has been there too long.
The painful images in your head of how you were defeated;
and the solitude where you shed your tears
that doesn’t relieve you,
you know it will not be the last time it happens.
Youth is the every moment you pass
In strength, in weakness, it’s the every moment you pass
Youth is the every moment you waste
It’s everything you can’t take back
20 february 2011
February 15, 2011 § 3 Comments
Posted on https://freedocere.wordpress.com
I haven’t posted music or book for a while, but this one deserves a special spot in my blog.
While “It’s a good life” by One Republic was on constant play on my ipod last year, a song on the radio this afternoon at work caught my attention.
The chorus was played with a beat I’ve never heard before, with a lyric that caught my attention, “…jump into the fog…”. I had no idea what the song meant, the words was rather hard to get. But just the idea of “jumping into the fog” is intriguing for me. It’s really what I am at this point in my life: the point where I jump into the fog. Not seeing what is there, not knowing what’s ahead, and jumping anyway.
I found the lyrics of The Wombats’ new single, Jump into the fog, and these lines just remind me of what is true,
What a great achievement it was
To find someone who shirks such little self-restraint
I’m a non-believer but
I believe in these dirty little wicked games
Snakes and ladders abandoned here love
The climb’s too rough to slide back down again
I’m only here because
I feel the day deserves a truly sordid end
I secretly smiled listening to that part.
I guess my achievement was to actually find someone evil with absolutely no self-restraint and being so addicted to power. It’s unimaginable how cruel and selfish that person’s actions are. And while I was an incurable optimist (I truly hope I still am), now I believe that there are dirty wicked games being played, because I got trapped in them. And in these dirty games, it’s inevitable that there will be a truly bad ending for that person. My climb was too hard to just slide back down again. But yet, I’m still here. I’m still here because I feel that at the end of the day everyone will get what they deserve.
For those reading this on facebook, the link to The Wombats’ “Jump into the fog” is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hpadYhXHgwA
February 5, 2011 § 2 Comments
There can be several most defining moments in your life. Most often, those moments are the hardest, the most challenging. The most defining moment in your life may be when you find out about the truth.
It’s quite shocking to find out about betrayal and the ugly truth. And just the ugliest truth, that you’ve been used, manipulated, and basically abused by the people who supposed to take care of you in the first place. It’s not the shock of revealing who the perpetrator is that’s hard to deal with, but the realization that you have lost your trust and respect to someone whom you once looked up to; someone whom you once thought as having integrity; or strength and courage.
You lay your foundation and you build upon it. You have your faith and beliefs, and you have the hopes and dreams that keep you going. Imagine that shaken to the very core. This is not just about betrayal. It’s about having your belief system completely shattered. You’re left with nothing, and then you wonder, “What on earth am I doing here?”; “Is my dream worth all this pain?”
You can’t turn to hate and blame because you are powerless anyway. There is no revenge because you’re just a collateral damage and no one intended to destroy you in the first place: you’re simply an instrument they take advantage of so they always needed you. In fact, they desperately need you so you’re lead into perceiving a reality they created, and you’re lured into a trap with no possibility of escaping.
This is one the most defining moments in your life. You thought you’re left alone. But then, if you’re lucky and blessed enough, you find out that there are people willing to go to your dark place to find you there, take your hand and walk you through until you see the light again.
In the end, after all this painful experience, what matter are your values: the ideas you uphold and appreciate in life. You learn that the people who take care of and look out for you are the people who eventually have your highest regards and respect for.
Note: Thank you to DMK for being the one looking out for me; you keep me going.