Each Day Once

May 31, 2009 § Leave a comment

When there’s too much baggage in one place then perhaps it’s time to move away, perhaps it’s time to go away. I’m at a place in my life where leaving everything behind and looking forward seems like a comforting treat for myself. It’s not an escape to paradise, to a resort, or to a leap year full of crazy parties. This is simply a time away, a meditation, something to quiet the mind.

I need to get away. Not because I’m chased, but because I need silence and retreat. There is training in engaging in battlefields and firestorm. There is also training in solace and stillness. And for someone who’s out of balance, I need to re-balance in my own way.

It has been long years of anticipation, perhaps overt enthusiasm made me less aware of the cracks upon the ground I walk on. I need to be steady again. Perhaps to be one with the earth I stand on.

Sometimes you wish to undo the day, skip the whole month, and preferably not remember any of the less comfortable things you’ve been in your whole life so you won’t ever have to live with the shame. Unfortunately that’s not how human life works.

You only get each day ONCE in your lifetime. So each must be appreciated, each must be the one you’re grateful of at the end of the day, because it’s each day has their own blessing. Whether the blessing is handed to you as it is or covered in some kind of disguise.

Whatever it is, however regrettable, things that can no longer be undone have to be accepted. And since we don’t get to know the future, it makes sense to forgive ourselves for the past; and to remember what is pure and good in the present.

Ajeng, 30-5-2009. https://freedocere.wordpress.com

Girl, Guy, Drugs and The Divine

May 20, 2009 § 13 Comments

Transkrip dari pembicaraan dua orang teman lewat MSN Messenger… Mungkin dari yang sederhana muncul pemikiran tentang jalan hidup…

Rendi: tak sambi nonton “knowing” yah..

Wulan: aku juga lg nonton buffy the vampire slayer

buffy_season5_cast

Rendi: film kuno itu?

Wulan: yes, the legend. all 7 seasons, marathon. mataku sampe picek, sehari nonton 6 jam

Rendi: haha… sikap rakus tuh ada akibatnya, yah

Wulan: serem deh, tadi sore aku mimpi in english, english! bahkan mimpiku bukan bilingual. dan ada buffy dkk tentunya…

Rendi: hahahaha…sampe segitunya..

Rendi: aku pernah mimpi aneh juga,

Rendi: mau tau?

Wulan: apa????????????

Rendi: aku memimpikan cewek yang dah punya cowok

Rendi: sementara di saat yang sama, aku lagi mengejar wanita lain

Rendi: aneh, berkali-kali mimpi dia

Rendi: emang tiap hari ketemu di kantor, sih

Rendi: tapi yang gak habis pikir, aku lagi kejar cewek lain

Rendi: dan dia dah punya cowok

Rendi: kok bisa2nya mimpi dia

Rendi: berulang kali lagi

Rendi: argh..

Wulan: you are subconsciously obsessing the unobtainable

Wulan: whether you’re looking for challenge

Wulan: or seriously interested in her

Wulan: or you just wont let urself to seriously pursue the other girl

Wulan: “creating a distraction for yourself”

Wulan: but hey, im not Sigmund Freud

Rendi: c’mon…

Rendi: aku lagi ngejar wanita lain, kok,

Rendi: dan benar-benar dibikin pusing ama wanita yang aku kejar

Wulan: you tell me

Wulan: emang napa? emang napa jd pusing ma ce itu

Rendi: cewek yang mana?

Wulan: ih susah deh diajak ngomong, you need Ritalin maybe

Ritalin-SR-20mg-full

Rendi: ritalin apa, tuh?

Wulan: look it up

Wulan: it’s a drug for ADHD heheee

Wulan: bcanda

Rendi: ADHD?? c’mon…

Rendi: ce yg aku kejar  playing hard-to-get, 5 bulan pdkt

Wulan: corner her and ask her what she wants

Wulan: you’re the guy

Wulan: u have to be fast and furious, jangan smpe kamu yg playing hard to get

Rendi: i’ve cornered her

Rendi: and, finally, she rejected me

Wulan: hahahaaa

Wulan: ups sorry

Rendi: after rejecting for few times

Wulan: ih… that sucks

Wulan: does she give u a reason? soalnya ada rejection yg “we’re never gonna work out”, ada yang “hm… let’s see in a little while if I can like you”

Rendi: first, kenapa bilang “ih…that sucks”???? bukannya biasa aja ditolak?

Wulan: yah, well kalo aku jadi cowo sih, aku akan brusaha mikir gmana caranya jangan smpe ditolaknya five times

Wulan: jangan2 emang ngga compatible… gtu, dan kalo ngga nyadar kan sucks (ngga nyadar kalo ngga compatible)

Wulan: hey, that’s just me loh, this is strictly my POV

Rendi: okay…

Rendi: aku sendiri dah mikir berkali-kali, dan mendekati lagi dengan metoda yang berbeda-beda

Rendi: why r u so into her gak usah dijawab lah, klasik

Rendi: yang jelas bukan kacangan,kayak anak kecil

Rendi: itu di luar domain pembahasan

Rendi: dia bilang, awalnya sih memang tertarik dan mau sama aku, tapi, “setelah aku pikir lagi, aku ternyata gak suka ama kamu,” dia bilang begitu

Wulan: hah

Wulan: aneh

Rendi: jujur, aku merasa dipermainkan juga, kok

Wulan: okay, the possibilities are…

Wulan: a. she’s bothered by u, thus the super explicit rejection

Wulan: b. she’s in love wit someone else, thus the super explicit rejection

Wulan: c. she’s NOT interested in ANY relationship at the moment, so she’s deliberately pushing u away as far as possible

Rendi: a, tidak mungkin: dia justru mengontakku kalau aku tidak mengontaknya setelah sekian waktu

Rendi: b, bisa jadi: berulang kali dia menyinggung lagu yang bertema seperti itu, tapi sepertinya itu cowok not interested in her

Rendi: c, bisa jadi: kelakuan dia menunjukkan yang ini juga

Rendi: it’s ok, then

Rendi: dia dah nolak untuk terakhir kalinya

Rendi: dan dia dah ganti nomor HP (aku tahu dari status Facebook-nya)

Wulan: wow

Rendi: dan, don’t worry, aku gak ingin mengontak dia lagi, kok

Rendi: ini dia lagi OL

Rendi: tapi aku cuekin ajah

Rendi: kenapa ‘wow’?

Wulan: she’s not into you, for whatever reason. masih suka ato masih penasaran nih km?

Rendi: udah nggak lagi

Rendi: andai dia menawarkan diri di depanku sekalipun, aku gak akan minat. itu ilustrasi terbaik yang bisa kuberi

Wulan: well, nothing is bothering u then

Rendi: iya, emang. tapi dia dah bikin aku untuk tidak mempercayai tanda-tanda yang diberikan oleh lawan jenis lagi – tanda penerimaan, maksudnya

Wulan: haduh… dont let this traumatize u man… she’s just one girl

Rendi: at least, untuk saat ini, “In skepticism we trust

Wulan: haha… anthem of the fractured liver

Rendi: hahaha..

Wulan: the right time, the right person…

Rendi: dan aku yakin tidak akan seribet ini

Wulan: hehe, mungkin ak selfish, tp klo aku emang sukanya yg ngga ribet, yg ngga banyak berantemnya

Rendi: iya,  , aku juga begitu

BUZZ!!!

Rendi: mending mikir karir dulu, lah

Wulan: hm

Wulan: hehe…

Wulan: itu juga soal tipe

Wulan: aku ngga bisa sm cowo manja, karna aku manja. bukan manja SMA, manja dewasa…

Wulan: jadi next time perhatiin baik2 dulu nih, dy gmana orangnya

Wulan: intuisi bisa bener, tapi ngga menggambarkan 100% keadaan orang itu. u can be intuitive but perhaps only about some part of that person, not the rest

Rendi: i believe in intuition

Wulan: me too

Rendi: aku sering menyelesaikan persoalan matematis dengan menggunakan intuisi,

Rendi: and i believe in that

Rendi: berbagai persoalan, sih, bukan matematika saja. Kadang tau sesuatu sebelum terjadi..

Wulan: that’s a lot of burden, knowing the inevitable

Rendi: dulu aku masa bodoh, dan anggap yang gaib itu takhayul semata

Rendi: dan omong kosong para kyai

Wulan: people perceive what they’re able to..

Rendi: awalnya sih aku gak ngerti,  , bisa ngerti atau tidak

Rendi: dan, itu tak bisa diminta

Rendi: datang sendiri

Wulan: iya iya…

Rendi: maksudnya, kalau ditanya pun, aku gak bisa menjawab

Rendi: tapi ngerti

Wulan: well, that’s a big responsibility

Rendi: punya bakat kali yah,

Rendi: soalnya semua kakekku tergolong orang yang kayak gitu

Wulan: mesti

Rendi: jadinya nurun

Wulan: iya

Rendi: at least, punya potensi untuk jadi gituan juga

Wulan: im a person of medical science, i believe that things are inherited and passed on automatically

Rendi: meskipun yang berbau metafisik?

Wulan: yes

Wulan: there is a God spot

Wulan: i believe there’s a portal for increased perception, increased sensitivity

Rendi: frontal lobe?

Rendi: ada yang bilang meditasi meningkatkan kapasitas frontal lobe

Rendi: hahaha..frontal lobe, terlampau fisik

Rendi: dan, memang, aku jadi semakin sering berhubungan dengan dunia macem gitu setelah sering meditasi

Wulan: i am more into the biomelucular processing of things, the biochemical processing of anything physical can be transformed into the mental/spiritual, vice versa

Rendi: shalat, dzikir, dan ngaji diperbanyak

Rendi: phuh…emang bisa,  ? baru tahu aku

Rendi: dunia kedokteran mengakuinya?

Wulan: if you look into it, iya. some people are doing these research

Wulan: yg gampang, kaya mental disorder, semua bisa karena ngga seimbangnya neurotransmitter di otak, ada jenis tertentu yang kebanyakan ato justru kurang

Wulan: drugs bisa bikin divine sensation

Wulan: enlightment ato awareness, itu juga menurutku karena increased sensitivity of the spiritual area of the brain

Wulan: banyak cara menuju ke situ

Wulan: solat, zikir, ngaji, meditasi, puasa, drugs

Rendi: btw, emang ada spiritual area di otak?

Rendi: btw, jadi, secara ilmiah, mungkin sekali kan Nabi Muhammad mengetahui semua realitas? karena memiliki kepekaan yang sangat tinggi

Rendi: begitu, bukan?

Wulan: menurutku iya, prophets have that. Wallahu’alam

Wulan: aku percaya bahwa all the divine experience of the prophets adalah karena mereka bisa mengakses a trancendent experience through their biological existence

Rendi: phuh, bahasamu, lan!! I like it!

Rendi: thanks, yow

Wulan: Nah.. tapi aku juga percaya bahwa akses ini adalah ijin Allah

Wulan: dan dari yang aku baca sih, (al-hikam terjemahannya syekh fadhlalla, punya serambi), kalo beginian ikhlas aja, because it is given to you as a gift. as anything that is given, it can be taken away as well

buku_Al-Hikam_baru

Wulan: so, enjoy what ur entrusted with

Rendi: hahaha….iya, kayaknya sekarang diambil lagi, deh

Rendi: kurang peka lagi,

Rendi: sekarang kurang peka

Wulan: mungkin bsa usaha untuk peka lagi, tapi usaha ngga berarti otomatis bisa peka lagi

Wulan: ada faktor “gift”nya kan

Rendi: tapi, kalau gak ngaji, aku stress

Rendi: makanya, sekarang ngaji lagi

Rendi: jadi kecanduan

Rendi: iya, ngerti aku,

Rendi: ada faktor ‘gift’nya tadi

Rendi: tapi emang bener, kok, dengan mendekatkan diri pada Tuhan maka diri kita jadi tenang

Rendi: sepertinya dengan mendekatkan diri pada Tuhan, writer’s block bisa hilang

Wulan: Kata Too Phat, Sajadah is where the boot is

Rendi: apa tuh artinya?

Wulan: so, inspirasi emang perlu dicari…

Wulan: well, kalo sajadah is where the boot is, jadinya kita bisa nemuin Allah di manapun kita berada, we can serve Him wherever we are

Wulan: dan… as you say, The Divine can be the greatest inspiration

Wulan: jadi… as long as there’s a place where u can find calmness, beauty, love, that’s a place of inspiration. as long as you can see the source of that beauty and love

Wulan: I think selama bisa melihat The Divine di manapun kita melangkah, ke manapun kita melangkah kita bisa mendapatkan inspirasi itu

Rendi: hmm..intinya, jika kita menja an Allah sebagai tujuan kita, maka kita tak akan merasakan kesulitan itu, bukan?

Rendi: hanya dengan mengingat Allah, kita menjadi tenang

Rendi: barangsiapa yakin mendapatkan air, tak merasakan dahaga

Wulan: Kalo Allah sebagai tujuan yang sulit pun Insya Allah terlewati dgn mudah

Rendi: air=rahmat Allah, sepertinya begitu

Wulan: yes

Wulan: bersyukur aku bisa pegang paradigma dan keyakinan itu through challenges, hardship, heartbreaks…

Rendi: nah, yang sulit, tuh…meluruskan niat dan tujuan, kan,  ?

Rendi: gimana tuh biar tumbuh kesadaran semacam gitu terus yah…???

Wulan: Niat dan tujuan itu juga gift. seumur hidup mencari tanpa dapet juga bisa terjadi

Wulan: kalo kata seorang guru ngaji, the biggest zikir is the simplest one, bismillah

Wulan: Bismillah aja

Wulan: because you’ll never know

Rendi: lha terus cowok2 yg biasa kmu temuin tuh yang gimana?

Wulan: there is no perfect person I guess

Rendi: iya, bener itu, gak ada yang sempurna,

Rendi: yang bisa kita lakukan hanyalah menyempurnakan diri

Rendi: phuh…

Rendi: meluruskan niat, deh, yah

Rendi: jadi dokter, niatnya ridha Allah

Rendi: jadi penulis, niatnya ridha Allah

Rendi: insya Allah ntar jadi yang terbaik di bidangnya

Wulan: amin

Wulan: well, aku kan deeply affected sm paulo coelho’s the alchemist

0446793509a0134145712110.L._AA240_

Rendi: oh, yah?

Wulan: jadi waktu itu jd terbuka aja pikiranku bahwa I will serve through my own destiny. jadi berusaha peka sama “tanda-tanda”, sama hal2 yang dimudahkan Allah buatku. Trus mikir, If this seems like “given” to me then maybe this is my gift, this is my path, my way of serving

Wulan: anyway, tipe cowo yg sama aku?

Wulan: yang comfy dengan kondisiku yang overachiever

Wulan: trus hardworker, apapun yg dia kerjain

Wulan: loyal, caring

Wulan: jadi soal minat kita ada perbedaan nggak masalah

Rendi: kayaknya  kamu niy, sebagai cewek dan manusia, memiliki definisi berbeda tentang hidup yang comfortable, yah?

Rendi: bener nggak?

Rendi: at least, dibandingkan dengan wanita lain pada umumnya?

Rendi: how do you define comfortable?

Wulan: Well, financially, comfortable is having more than enough in terms of money. That’s unexpected for someone like me, tapi that’s what i believe in.

Wulan: trus… have a family that is a place to come home to. rumah bukan cm tempat tidur, tapi a loving and supportive environment

Wulan: trus Live for something we believe in, having something we dedicate our life to

Wulan: yang paling penting, seorang cowo yang maklum kalo aku fighting so hard to achieve something, karena pekerjaanku is more than just a career for me, it’s my service to God. My work is my prayer

Rendi: keren…

Wulan: hahaaa

Rendi: amin..

Wulan: amin

Rendi: muga2 terkabul

Wulan: amin

Wulan: and you?

Wulan: sebagai cowo nih…

Wulan: what’s comfy to you?

Rendi: 1. memiliki keluarga/pasangan yang bisa memahami apa yang aku lakukan

Wulan: gila, listed numbers

Wulan: trus?

Rendi: 2. melihat ideku banyak dijalankan oleh orang2

Rendi: 3. bebas mengekspresikan diri tanpa terpikirkan permasalahan finansial (berpikir untuk berekspresi saja, tanpa memikirkan risiko finansial)

Rendi: tentu saja, yang ke-3, tuh, disertai oleh pertimbangan kondisi keuangan yang mantap

Rendi: keluarga harus  asih makan, to,

Rendi: 4. bisa mengalahkan dominasi atas diri sendiri

Rendi: ..yah, sepertinya itu saja,

Wulan: itu poin ke-3 adalah di mana pemikiran sexist-ku muncul

Wulan: coz im a girl, i’m not directly responsible for the financial well being of the family

Rendi: hahahaha..terus??

Wulan: curang ya… I thought, my husband has to be the one who makes money, I want to live doing what I love. Tapi trus aku dimarain nyokap begitu bilang gitu

Rendi: yang penting, keluarga tercukupi sandang dan pangannya,  . gitu saja

Wulan: nyokap bilang “ce harus punya uang sendiri, harus makes money sendiri, ngga boleh entirely dependent”. That’s just how I’m raised in my family

Rendi: aku setuju dengan ibumu,

Rendi: aku pun begitu, lebih suka wanita yang bekerja juga

Rendi: mengapa???

Wulan: km ky pak guru deh, mengucapkan kata2 retoris

Rendi: karena wanita yang juga bekerja cenderung memiliki penghargaan yang lebih tinggi terhadap materi itu sendiri

Wulan: aha… bener juga

Wulan: never thought about it that way

Wulan: iy iya…

Rendi: iya, emang begitu

Rendi: dan, keluarga yang wanitanya turut bekerja, cenderung memiliki anak-anak yang berkualitas lebih tinggi daripada wanita yang gak bekerja

Rendi: kalau menurut perhitungan, interaksi dengan anak berkurang

Rendi: tapi, pada kenyataannya, teman2ku yang ibunya gak bekerja malah gak karuan sikapnya

Rendi: secara akademis pun buruk

Rendi: demikian pula dari segi kognitif dan attitude

Wulan: iya bner

Wulan: kognitif n sikap, setuju

Wulan: i think I never think twice about working women, ato ambitious working women

Wulan: yang penting seorang ce sadar sama pilihan2 yang dia buat dan bisa bertanggung jawab

Rendi: ngomong2 masalah kesadaran..

Wulan: wazzup

Rendi: sekarang, banyak orang yang gak sadar akan dirinya sendiri,

Rendi: banyak kok yang gak tau hidup itu buat apa

Rendi: kita lumayan teringat gara2 diskusi barusan

Rendi: padahal, diskusi kayak yang kita lakukan ini jarang sekali disinggung ama orang

Rendi: yang diomongin kebanyakan masalah mendapatkan kekayaan tanpa henti

Rendi: yang terus bekerja untuknya meski dia dah mati

Wulan: iya…

Rendi: phuh…kita hidup di dunia materialis yah..

Rendi: atau…dari dulu dunia emang bersifat materialis,  ?

Rendi: perasaan zaman Fir’aun pun dunia dah gini

Wulan: well, ada good example di the alchemist, tentang seorang pedagang kristal yang seumur hidup mencari uang… karena tujuan hidupnya, yg baru tercapai pas dia tua adalah bisa naik haji

Wulan: the point of his life is to try meeting God. that’s a beautiful illustration.

* Ajeng, 20-5-2009. https://freedocere.wordpress.com

just like jazz

May 6, 2009 § 3 Comments

I haven’t always been a jazz fan. I don’t know if I am now. All that I listen to is some bands who can perform live and light up the stage; and I had only started listening seriously to these genre 2 months ago.

So what is it about these bands and their music that I love?

Perhaps we should start with honesty. That time I wanted to move on, moved away from a bad past and move out the bad memories from my head. So I needed a fresh start. I needed a new perspective. I needed new music.

And now after enjoying them for some time, I get it. It’s a new experience everytime I play the song. They’re catchy, but they’re not boring. They have serious arrangements, and they have honest lyrics. And by honest I mean not all tears and heartbreaks. By honest I mean that if things hurt then they’re hurtful, but it’s okay and it will be better.

I love how these bands (and this type of music) makes me feel. They make me flow easily through life. They make me travel light without too much baggage. They make me enjoy myself. They give me a fresh perspective on life: that life, as complicated as it can be, is beautiful and enjoyable. Just like jazz.

ajeng, 6-5-09. https://freedocere.wordpress.com

Life in monochrome and static cling

May 2, 2009 § Leave a comment

What is a man without ambition?

But then again, what is an ambitious man without passion?

For  someone like me, those men are missing something big in their lives.

I know a man full of passion, he’s smart and he knows what he loves. He knows what kind of work that he loves to do and he makes sure that he’s doing it. And yet, he’s afraid of wanting better things for himself. He’s afraid of expectations. Life has probably made him doubtful of the things he can have in life. He has all kinds of rational explanations of why we should not hope too much and dream too big. Bottomline is, he’s afraid. With his passion he’s attractive enough for someone like me. But without ambition he’s like a car with not just the gas fully stepped on but also the hand-brake. He’s simply going nowhere, life is always halted by some static cling.

I know a man with ambition, but no passion. His life is between the campus and his home, between the classes and watching tv. And there’s nothing in between. Nothing. And I am struggling with finding out what makes him special, because at this point, there’s nothing special in him. He’s just boring. And maybe that’s just because I’ve always been doing too many things at once, meeting too many people in one day, and wanting so many things in a short period. Or maybe, that’s because he doesn’t have anything he’s enthusiastic about, he doesn’t have anything he’s interested in. He wants to get ahead and go forward in life and career, but that’s just about it. He lives for nothing but tomorrow, just to see another day that is pretty much the same as yesterday, life in monochrome. There’s no coulours and I don’t feel his heart beating.

Or maybe it’s just me in my overly complicated life. I can’t understand how people can function without passion and ambition. I just can’t. And really, I am struggling with this. I will certainly blame my parents, they both are intense about the things they do in life. They are lucky enough to pursue the things they actually love doing. And now, comparing myself with others around me, I just realized how much my parents have influenced me. They don’t limit or direct my choices in life, but they certainly shaped my attitude towards life, which I am grateful about.

Ambition and passion are not wild grasses that can grow as tall as the trees. If they’re not nurtured, they won’t grow at all, let alone bloom.

I’m lucky enough to surround myself with people of this kind, the ones with both passion and ambition who don’t just keep it for themselves but share them with me and motivate me. I am not maniacally ambitious and I stay sane. I make sure that I stay balanced and grounded. But I do have this fire in my eyes. People don’t just know my passion, they can feel it when they’re near me. They know that I know where I’m going. They know that I am going after the things in life that I believe in.

“Nothing great in the world has ever been accomplished without passion”; I can never live a life in monochrome nor a life with eternal static cling. And passion and ambition are definitely two big words in my dictionary of life.

Ajeng, 2 May 2008.

https://freedocere.wordpress.com

Where Am I?

You are currently viewing the archives for May, 2009 at Docere.