one hell of empowering day at the Radboud Hospital

April 3, 2007 § Leave a comment

The whole afternoon I was stressed out, thinking that maybe this new task I agreed to work on will f^ck me up, that I’m a pathological multi-tasker, that I’ve been involved in way too many things at once all my life, and that somehow I will mess everything up. Bad thoughts that I don’t even comfortable talking about here. I felt so low. I thought, Radboud isn’t my hospital, Netherlands isn’t even my country for God’s sake! And guess what: this is just my second day at the hospital and I’d managed to burden myself with extra problems. I feel so much pressure, so… constricted because of what happened.

It’s such a bad feeling that I kept saying to myself, "What is good from this? What is there to learn from this?" There’s gotta be something here. Paulo Coelho said, if bad things keep happening to you then it’s not because you haven’t taught the lesson, it’s because you haven’t learned from it.

Then I got this flash of thought: realizing that I’ve been too worried about pleasing the authority figure: too much after the approval of people who knows nothing about who I am and what I’m capable of. It’s terrible because then if they disapprove, or they give less approval than what I expected, then I feel like an idiotic piece of shit. The truth is, that I live to serve a bigger cause, and the bigger cause is not these people. If they don’t like what I do, so be it. I can keep going, keep being true to my dreams and my service. It’s such an empowering realization. I should not be a slave to man’s approval because when this happens then I let myself being ripped away from what my heart knows is true. I have the strength to keep going despite these hurdles. I have overcome these situations and I will do so in the future Insya Allah. I came out of the room a lot lighter, much happier.

dr. Mihay took me to see dr. V (the BOSS) for consult. And dr. V held this box in front of my face, "I want to give you this poison. Dutch poison." It was a box of drops. He gave me two, and I took it. "If you take this then you will feel happy, and your heart will beat faster." We laughed about it, but giving the circumstances, I needed some endorphine and if it must come from a dutch poison so be it.

dr. Mihay, dr. V and I sat together. But then the two of them discussed the patients while I was VERY busy chewing two drops in my mouth at the same time.

And at some point he looked at me and asked, "Do you like it?", and I said, "Yeah, I’m having a good time just eating them!". He laughed. I felt so cute, like little kid in front of these two infectious disease specialists. Them talking seriously about drugs and diseases while I was busy enjoying my candies.

How nice… After the discussion about patients dr. V said to me, "OK, learning time for you. Most antibiotic resistance happen in the places using the most antibiotics. So antibiotic can be good, but it can also be not so good when resistance happens. The worst is hospital pathogen, Steno@$#@%%$&* ma)*&$^#*" I was in my head thinking, "Oh shit, wtf was that again??????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!" I couldn’t even grasp the name. He continued, "It’s resistant to everything but cotrimoxazol." OK, good. Now at least I know the drug for that dangerous pathogen.

The session ended, I was so happy (it’s the freakin drops!!! They worked!!! Thanks dr. V…)

After we went out I immediately asked dr. Mihay to write me the name of the bacteria. Remember this guys, STENOTROPHOMONAS MALTOPHILA. Holy crap. I’ve never even heard of it. Anyway, GREAT learning session then, I have a new homework on top of other things (like pneumonia, bartonella, osteomyelitis): learn what this thing is.

It’s very pleasant to end the day with a feeling that you’ve learned something new today and that you have more things to learn for tomorrow.

Things had a much better twist after that. I found out that what I had thought was a problem was no problem at all. So, I ride my bike home as a very happy girl. I do believe Yin Yang, and to me the world is finally balancing itsef again… 


Ajeng. Nijmegen, 3 April 2007. Http://


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