Growing up suspended

February 27, 2007 § Leave a comment

A friend and I had this talk about my other friend. It’s probably my nature, and the nature of this blog, to become quite public of something quite personal. But I figure that, well, I can always stay discreet about the identities.

Here we go. I guess today I give up on someone. I’ve given up the possibility of him being able to grow up, become an adult his age (27, by the way, acting like 14 year-olds). I’ve given up any possibility of us being able to have a really good time together. Now, for me, a good time is without him, what a shame. I’ve given up the possibility that we may have the decency to be polite and civil to each other.

There was a strange cloud hovering over me and this guy. It’s like a cloudy Saturday when the forecast tells you there’s a possibility of rain. You’re not sure what you should do today, because staying home means you waste your entire free day, but going out means that it may not be a pleasant after all because of the possible rain. Everything is just plain awkward, weird, and full of unconfirmed assumptions. Let’s just hypothetically say that the awkwardness is my fault because I have my thoughts and it may have changed the way I respond to him. But I made a conscious decision to just let them be my private thoughts because to say these things to him will just be rude and he may be offended, as opposed to just acting weird to me now. And I had enough of it yesterday, when I found out that he cancelled a trip because I would also be in that trip. I was so ready to give him a safe space where he can just say anything about me. But of course, him acting like a 14 year-old meant that he didn’t use that opportunity well . So here how the conversation went.

Me       : Hey, I heard you won’t go with us.

Him      : Yeah.

Me       : Why?

Him      : Well, there’s this big exhibition, and I want to go there instead.

Me       : Are you sure?

Him      : Yeah?

Me       : Are you sure that’s the only reason or there’s something else?

Him      : No, that’s all.

Me       : So you have nothing to say to me?

Him      : No.

Me       : OK.

I’d sensed that the sole reason of his canceling the trip was me. For me that was the one chance he had to clear the air bit. And a chance is like a ripe fruit, you take it while it’s at its best. Too soon means too raw, and too late is rotten. He had his perfect moment to talk to me, and he didn’t use it. I was simply responding to his behavior; if he’s not ready then for a real adult conversation, he’d never be ready anytime soon. So we dropped that conversation there and then, and I went back to my room relieved, coz I have done my part.

So, I guess it’s still a cloudy day after all, but now I’m sure of what I want to do.

-Ajeng-

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