smoothies and band

December 29, 2006 § Leave a comment

Vanilla smoothies. Violin. Cables. Amplifiers. Sound technician. Crowd.

There’s something simply cool about having your band perform in front of live audience for two straight hours. You just have to get the vibe, get the juice flowing, and let the music carry you through the night. However, that’s a highly romanticized version of the situation; not always the case when you must deal with too much things all at once that each needs undivided attention:

  1. Being a senior clerk in the department of internal medicine
  2. Facing an interview for an international scholarship you’d been working hard for during the past 4 years
  3. Facing a big exam
  4. Performing live once a week in a well-known café

I was repeatedly forced to crush all the above into my 24/7 schedule. I count time in hours, not days, for one full month. The list above are how things are prioritized for me. Of course my band members couldn’t agree. They thought I should play and perform, and the rest comes next. But I wasn’t concerned about the same things as them. I wanted other things more badly. I wanted to ace my exam. I wanted to get the scholarship. And in order to do so, I must prepare myself well by studying. I’m sure there were initial disappointments and nasty comments for what I did (skipping practices, performing only half the show, skipping one performance because I wanted to prepare for my exam). But that’s just a consequence of my actions I was willing to face. All the fuss between me and the other band members were close to crossing that thin line, when I’d say "I don’t give a damn anymore". But they had to learn to deal with my lack of commitment, and I just have to accept their pist-off attitude. This is life, you compromise when you can’t win.

There’s still something beautiful to be carried around for a long time from that hours spent playing violin along with my band in Brux. I only thought that there are things that needed to be done; and that must be done well. No love, no euphoric blasts. Just me playing the violin with my own rhythm. 

I owe too much to my good friend in internal medicine, M. I almost lost it several times, but she kept me grounded, and reminded me that all this would pass. And all finally did.

RaTu. http://docere.antiblog.com

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for a dear friend

December 28, 2006 § 1 Comment

We learn

You learn to accept love when you can
You learn to give love when you can

You learn how to accept love the way it needed to
You learn how to give love when you want to

You learn to receive only for as long as something will be given to you
You learn to let go when you finally have to

You learn when you should grieve, and how
You learn when to be happy, and thankful

You learn that answers don’t come as easily as you want
You learn that sometimes there’s no answer at all

You learn to question
And you learn to answer questions on your own

You learn to go on
And you learn how to go beyond

***
My messy room with the new strawberry curtain you put up; 28/8/06, 01:15. I can’t help writing this for you.

Take care,
Ajeng

internal medicine

December 14, 2006 § Leave a comment

I have a “pen-friend” in the USA. He’s a retired oncologic surgeon whose work now is to promote spiritual healing and educate medical practitioners and students the more holistic way in treating patients.
He emailed me the other day, telling me about the release of his new book on parenting.
I replied and updated him about myself, how now I’m a senior clerk at the hospital. The last time we had contact was almost two years ago.
I also told him about how things were for me, being in the hospital. It’s the first time I ever spoke openly about my experience in the hospital. He then advised me to listen to myself better.

Writing has been difficult ever since I entered internal medicine. There’s no good time to write. The experiences I had have been so intense that I think I need time before I can write about any of them. But at the same time, new things happen everyday, that take my mind away from the day before, and there are always new layers added without me ever having the chance to really digest the old ones. That’s the confusion I felt. I knew I had to write, but I’d always seem to be too busy and too tired to process things and to contemplate on the experiences. Honestly, I think I’m basically too scared to find out how I really felt about them.

It’s my fault actually. There’s too much going on all at the same time for me. New place that need adjustment in the way I behave and work, new people I work and learn with, new pressure and demands from the kind of work, old commitments that I still have to keep while I’m busy working, and eventually, exams. I had to perform in a well-known café with my band (I play violin!) once a week this month, while next week I’m going to have my final internal medicine exam. That, and all the hours I must spend practising for the performances. The routines at the hospital is not so demanding unless I’m on rounds. I must study and catch up with some of the brightest brains in my stage now (this one I will name “peer pressure”!). I have no time for myself. I’m lacking adequate rest and sleep. I’d always been too tired to enjoy tv shows or music at home, and lacking the time I need to study as much as I wanted to because of the time I use for practicing violin. I lost my appetite until today, only manage to enjoy restaurant food (not home food), fried eggs, and instant noodle. Perhaps I’m malnutritioned already.

Yesterday, things were just too much for me. I freaked out because the exams are near. My band would perform later that night, and I wasn’t sure I had enough practice. Accumulating stress push me to the edge, and I was taking it out on a friend, who’s also having a bad day. I said some bad things to that friend, and that caused problem between us. I felt really bad on the way home and apologized immediately. Only last night after that incident with my friend that I started thinking about what had been happening in my life. I basically didn’t handle the stress properly. Lashing out on someone else brings potentially serious consequence, and I don’t want that to happen again ever. I shouldn’t make someone else miserable just because I am. I started figuring out the problems and decided on how to deal with them. That calmed me a bit. I did some self-talk, and set out my priorities again. I performed in Brux from 8.30pm to 11pm and after getting home I studied until 2am. I woke up at 5.30am and arrived at the hospital at 6.30am. I spend a comfortable time doing patients’ follow-ups, because the ward is still quite that early in the morning, and I had no rush checking on the patients condition. This morning, I felt somehow balanced again, and ready to function properly without any tension.

This is a bad time for us, the students who are having the exams next week. We’re only concerned about ourselves and our own preparation for the exam. I myself won’t be joining my band to perform next week. I don’t know how the other band members respond to that, I am really more worried about my preparation for the exam. There’s too much to study, and all need to be learned before next Friday.

RaTu. http://docere.antiblog.com

December 14, 2006 § Leave a comment

I have a “pen-friend” in the USA. He’s a retired oncologic surgeon whose work now is to promote spiritual healing and educate medical practitioners and students the more holistic way in treating patients.
He emailed me the other day, telling me about the release of his new book on parenting.
I replied and updated him about myself, how now I’m a senior clerk at the hospital. The last time we had contact was almost two years ago.
I also told him about how things were for me, being in the hospital. It’s the first time I ever spoke openly about my experience in the hospital. He then advised me to listen to myself better.

Writing has been difficult ever since I entered internal medicine. There’s no good time to write. The experiences I had have been so intense that I think I need time before I can write about any of them. But at the same time, new things happen everyday, that take my mind away from the day before, and there are always new layers added without me ever having the chance to really digest the old ones. That’s the confusion I felt. I knew I had to write, but I’d always seem to be too busy and too tired to process things and to contemplate on the experiences. Honestly, I think I’m basically too scared to find out how I really felt about them.

It’s my fault actually. There’s too much going on all at the same time for me. New place that need adjustment in the way I behave and work, new people I work and learn with, new pressure and demands from the kind of work, old commitments that I still have to keep while I’m busy working, and eventually, exams. I had to perform in a well-known café with my band (I play violin!) once a week this month, while next week I’m going to have my final internal medicine exam. That, and all the hours I must spend practising for the performances. The routines at the hospital is not so demanding unless I’m on rounds. I must study and catch up with some of the brightest brains in my stage now (this one I will name “peer pressure”!). I have no time for myself. I’m lacking adequate rest and sleep. I’d always been too tired to enjoy tv shows or music at home, and lacking the time I need to study as much as I wanted to because of the time I use for practicing violin. I lost my appetite until today, only manage to enjoy restaurant food (not home food), fried eggs, and instant noodle. Perhaps I’m malnutritioned already.

Yesterday, things were just too much for me. I freaked out because the exams are near. My band would perform later that night, and I wasn’t sure I had enough practice. Accumulating stress push me to the edge, and I was taking it out on a friend, who’s also having a bad day. I said some bad things to that friend, and that caused problem between us. I felt really bad on the way home and apologized immediately. Only last night after that incident with my friend that I started thinking about what had been happening in my life. I basically didn’t handle the stress properly. Lashing out on someone else brings potentially serious consequence, and I don’t want that to happen again ever. I shouldn’t make someone else miserable just because I am. I started figuring out the problems and decided on how to deal with them. That calmed me a bit. I did some self-talk, and set out my priorities again. I performed in Brux from 8.30pm to 11pm and after getting home I studied until 2am. I woke up at 5.30am and arrived at the hospital at 6.30am. I spend a comfortable time doing patients’ follow-ups, because the ward is still quite that early in the morning, and I had no rush checking on the patients condition. This morning, I felt somehow balanced again, and ready to function properly without any tension.

This is a bad time for us, the students who are having the exams next week. We’re only concerned about ourselves and our own preparation for the exam. I myself won’t be joining my band to perform next week. I don’t know how the other band members respond to that, I am really more worried about my preparation for the exam. There’s too much to study, and all need to be learned before next Friday.

RaTu. http://docere.antiblog.com

lelah, lelah, lelah

December 3, 2006 § Leave a comment

Terlalu banyak yang terjadi dalam hidupku sekarang. Terlalu banyak hal yang harus kukerjakan dalam waktu yang terlalu singkat. Aku tidak bisa tersenyum, dan aku tidak bisa merasakan apapun kecuali lelah, lelah dan lelah. Aku tidak menikmati pagi, hujan, senyuman, pasien, rumah sakit, ataupun musik. Semuanya adalah pekerjaan yang merampasku dari waktu. Sesuatu yang harus diselesaikan dengan tenggat. Aku hidup hanya untuk 3 hari ini, dan kalau memang aku masih harus menjalani hari dengan begitu banyak kemarahan aku akan dengan senang hati melakukannya. Ini bukan cara yang baik untuk hidup. Tapi untuk sampai ke hari esok aku mesti menjalani hari ini, dan hari ini terlalu berat untuk dijalani hanya dengan tertawa. Aku pelan-pelan terseret ke dalam kebodohan tanpa sedikitpun membawa rasa malas. Kesalahan terbesarku adalah: aku telah terlalu baik.

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