Rieke lagi, Anton lagi, hangat lagi

September 25, 2006 § 2 Comments

Ini posting lama yang ternyata pernah lumayan populer di kalangan teman-teman kampusku, dan mendadak menghangat lagi. Tentu saja yang paling menarik dari cerita ini adalah bahwa cerita ini berdasarkan kejadian nyata. Mungkin banyak yang tahu siapa sosok-sosok yang disebutkan dalam cerita ini. Maksudku memuatnya lagi adalah sebagai salam terakhir kepada seseorang yang menganggap cerita ini amat istimewa, yang amat emosional ketika membaca cerita ini. Buatku ini cuma satu dari sekian ratus halaman yang aku tulis. Aku tahu dia ingin aku minta maaf atas tulisan ini, tapi sebagai seseorang yang punya kebutuhan menulis, aku lebih tahu bahwa kalau aku sudah menulis, maka tulisanku memang dimuat dengan tujuan untuk dibaca dan direnungi banyak orang. Aku tidak minta maaf, tidak butuh dimaafkan, tidak butuh permintaan maaf, dan tidak memaafkan.

Sebelum mengulang kembali cerita Rieke dan Anton, aku ingin menyampaikan sepenggal paragraf dari “Manual of The Warrior of Light” karangan Paulo Coelho. Manual ini kurang lebih juga menjadi salah satu penerang hatiku di masa-masa kemenangan dan kepahitan; aku juga seorang ‘warrior of light’.

“According to a poet: ‘The warrior of light chooses her enemies.’
She knows what she is capable of; she does not have to go about the world boasting her qualities and virtues.
Nevertheless, there is always someone who wants to prove himself better than she is.
For the warrior, there is no ‘better’ or ‘worse’: everyone has the necessary gifts for his or her particular path.
But certain people insist. They provoke and offend and do everything they can to irritate her. At this point, her heart says: ‘Do not respond to these insults, they will not increase your abilities. You will tire yourself needlessly.’
A warrior of light does not waste her time listening to provocations; she has a destiny to fulfil.

RIEKE DAN ANTON

Kesan pertama yang ditangkap Rieke dari Anton tidak baik. Setelah bekerja bersama Anton di senat mahasiswa selama beberapa minggu, menurut Rieke Anton tidak lebih dari seorang mahasiswa bermulut besar yang suka ribut dengan orang lain. Bahkan Rieke muak dengannya, karena harus mendengarkan omongannya saat mereka hadir bersama untuk rapat. Berulang kali Anton mengeluarkan komentar, “kita di sini kan tidak dibayar, apa untungnya juga aku ikut senat, malah buang-buang waktu.”
Tapi beberapa bulan kemudian, saat sedang menunggu rapat dimulai Anton mendatanginya. “Rieke, aku terancam drop-out karena tidak ada biaya loh”. Rieke bertanya lebih lanjut. “Kakakku yang tadinya membiayaiku di-PHK. Sekarang aku sudah tidak bisa membayar uang kuliah. Teman-teman saja banyak yang suka mengumpulkan uang bersama-sama untuk membantuku. Kadang-kadang aku tidak makan karena harus berhemat.”
Rieke tidak banyak komentar, tapi sejak itu beberapa kali dia memberikan sejumlah uang dari orang tuanya untuk Anton. Sampai suatu saat akhirnya Rieke meminta ayahnya memberikan pekerjaan untuk Anton. “Kasian Pa, adiknya banyak, orang tuanya sudah tidak ada dan dia lumayan pintar.”
Jadilah akhirnya Anton kerja paruh waktu di perusahaan ayah Rieke. Dia dibayar penuh seperti karyawan lain karena menurut ayah Rieke, Anton perlu dibantu.
Sudah jelas bahwa Rieke akan meneruskan perusahaan ayahnya, sehingga Rieke sering berkunjung ke kantor perusahaan. Rieke tidak pernah memperlakukan Anton seperti karyawan lain saat mereka berada di kantor. Di kampus pun, Rieke menganggap hubungannya dengan Anton sekedar teman, tanpa embel-embel “karyawan perusahaan keluarga kami”.
Rieke sering memantau apa saja kebutuhan Anton, dan memberi tahu orang tuanya apa yang bisa mereka berikan ke Anton. Mulai dari pinjaman uang, kamera saku, sampai jaket dan tas baru.
Tapi Rieke sendiri selalu menolak memberikan langsung uang ataupun barang ke Anton walau sebenarnya pemberian itu atas inisiatifnya. Rieke selalu meminta orang tuanya yang menyerahkan. Buat Rieke, Anton adalah teman yang perlu diperlakukan sederajat dengannya, jangan sampai ada kesan Anton tergantung padanya.
Selama beberapa bulan Rieke dan Anton menjalani hubungan pertemanan yang mutual dan menyenangkan, bahkan Rieke tidak habis pikir kenapa awalnya dulu ia bisa tak menyukai Anton.
Sampai suatu saat hal-hal yang aneh mulai terjadi. Saat Rieke butuh bantuan Anton, ia selalu menghindar dan mencari-cari alasan untuk tidak melakukannya, berkali-kali. Akhirnya Rieke kesal dan mengkonfrontasi Anton, karena itu membuat Rieke tidak menghargai Anton lagi sebagai teman. Namun Anton malah seperti hilang akal dan mengamuk, marah-marah kepada Rieke karena menurutnya Rieke tidak tahu prioritas sampai-sampai ada pekerjaan yang harus dititipkan padanya. Reaksi Anton dinilai aneh oleh Rieke, sampai-sampai Rieke berucap, “Jangan sampai kamu mengucapkan sesuatu yang akan kamu sesali Anton!”. Anton justru makin berang, terus membentak-bentak dan menyuruh Rieke menjelaskan maksud kata-kata itu, karena menurutnya ia harus membuat keputusan tentang masa depannya.
Rieke tahu bahwa Anton hanya sedang memancingnya, kalau Rieke sampai membuat Anton dipecat dari perusahaan ayahnya, maka entah fitnah apa yang akan disebarkan Anton ke kawan-kawan mereka di kampus dan karyawan perusahaan. Akhirnya Rieke tidak meladeninya lagi, tapi yang jelas peristiwa ini sampai ke telinga orang tua Rieke dan mereka menyesalkan perbuatan Anton. Selama ini Anton selalu baik pada Rieke dan mereka, tapi kenapa sekarang sikapnya seperti anak durhaka begini.
Kenyataannya, Anton bisa kerja di tempat itu karena rekomendasi Rieke. Anton mendapat semua keistimewaan dan gaji lebih dari yang seharusnya karena semua yang diucapan Rieke ke ayahnya. Dan Rieke maupun ayahnnya tidak pernah mengungkit-ungkit hal itu ke Anton. Bahwa Anton bukan cuma dibantu oleh ayah Rieke, tapi justru oleh Rieke sendiri. Dan sekarang justru Anton berlaku tanpa rasa hormat seperti ini.
Yang jelas, ayah Rieke pernah menganggap Anton seperti anaknya sendiri dan punya rencana untuk memberi Anton peluang lebih besar di perusahaannya. Tapi setelah semua ini, semua pintu ia tutup untuk Anton. Ia bertanya pada Rieke, “Kamu mau ayah apakan si Anton?”, secara implisit menanyakan apa ia mesti memecat Anton untuk Rieke, anak satu-satunya. Rieke hanya menjawab, “Biarkan saja”.
Tapi tidak ada lagi perlakuan istimewa untuk Anton di kantor, tidak ada lagi bonus-bonus yang lebih dari karyawan lain, tidak ada lagi rencana promosi jabatan untuknya. Semuanya hilang.
Rieke tidak menggubris Anton, sampai suatu kali mereka terpaksa bekerja bersama lagi. Tapi hubungan mereka hanya sebatas sopan santun dan penuh kesinisan tersembunyi.
Rieke mulai membaca karakter Anton sebenarnya, yang selama ini selalu ia abaikan dengan sengaja karena hanya ingin melihat kebaikan Anton. Anton lebih banyak berteman dengan anak-anak yang berduit, yang bisa menyokongnya dengan dana. Selain itu, sikap Anton cenderung egois dan suka memerintah teman-temannya untuk melayaninya. Baru sekarang Rieke berani melihat kenyataan sebenarnya, bahwa Anton memang bukan sosok baik yang disangkanya selama ini.

Ayah Rieke meminta Anton untuk menambah jam kerjanya yang makin berkurang belakangan ini karena alasan kuliah. Anton malah menjawab dengan surat, bahwa ia “tidak merasa berdosa kalau tidak masuk kerja karena banyak tugas kuliah yang harus diselesaikan.” Dan bahwa ia “minta dibayar per jam saja.” Ayah Anton langsung menjawab dengan resmi bahwa mereka mengabulkan permintaannya, dan mulai sekarang gaji Anton diperhitungkan berdasarkan jumlah jam kerja. Akibatnya, sekarang gajinya hanya separuh dari uang yang dulu diterimanya dari perusahaan, dengan jumlah jam kerja yang sebenarnya tidak jauh berbeda.
Rieke tahu bahwa kini ia sudah sepenuhnya menghilangkan Anton dari hidupnya, bahkan cenderung membencinya. Dan ia ingin menempatkan Anton kembali ke posisinya, yaitu sebagai karyawan ayahnya, di kampus maupun di kantor. Bahkan sekarang, gaji Anton pun dititipkan lewat Rieke oleh ayahnya. Rieke sendiri yang menyerahkan amplop gaji ke tangan Anton, dengan pesan tanpa kata-kata, “aku dan keluargaku masih mau memberi uang ini buatmu, walau kamu berlaku tidak pantas padaku.”

Air susu dibalas air tuba? Apakah Anton iri pada Rieke, semua kelebihan yang dimilikinya sampai ia bereaksi seperti itu? Apakah Anton lelah bermuka manis di depannya hanya karena Rieke anak bos perusahaan? Apa karena Anton tidak bisa memperalat dan memanipulasi Rieke seperti ia melakukan itu kepada teman-temannya yang lain, dan akhirnya ia kesal dan meledak?
Apapun penyebabnya, peluang karir Anton musnah karena perbuatannya sendiri. Ia kehilangan teman dan patron. Dan Rieke sudah mantap, Anton mesti dikembalikan ke tempatnya semula, bukan teman, tapi karyawan biasa di perusahaan.

“Anton akhirnya punya cukup nyali untuk mengundurkan diri dari perusahaan ayah Rieke, persis pada saat ia akan diberhentikan. Alasan-alasan pemberhentian itu adalah tidak adanya konsistensi dalam jam kerja Anton beberapa waktu terakhir, ketidakcocokan Anton dan Rieke, serta berita tidak benar tentang ayah Rieke dan keluarga mereka yang selama ini diberitakan Anton kepada berbagai pihak. Rieke sendiri sudah sibuk dengan karir dan teman-teman yang selama ini selalu mendukungnya karena ia berada di pihak yang benar. ”

(buat Chantika AT, “Anton” dalam kehidupan nyata.)

Hating someone is OK

September 24, 2006 § 1 Comment

My writings tell stories of passion, love, and hate. I am never ashamed of what I’d chosen to reveal to the whole world. And when the world responds, I am ok with it. When I express my sadness or hatred, I intentionally meant them for people to read and to think about.

Sometimes, I meant my writings for certain people. I meant the writings as personal message; a message of both love or hate. I am not scared of loving even though there were risks in giving your heart to others. When the people you care about turn against you, you can become hateful towards them. I am not scared of afraid in hating someone, because it’s a natural emotion. Gary Zukav once said that there is no such thing as “negative” emotion. Emotions are neutral. What’s negative is our actions because of that emotion. I am ok with hating someone, as long as my actions stay in good and correct path.

This is a message for a group of people who misunderstood me; the ones who were influenced by a bad person to hate or dislike me; the ones who were told lies about me and believed them: please know that I am proud to have my writings read by all of you.

For that bad person who hate me, Chantika Aquino T. (not the actual name, of course), I am bigger than all the lies you spread to people. Thank you for making me a better human being.

I am happy at the moment.

Sunday, September 24, 2006
4:53 PM/ docere.antiblog.com

life isn’t just about doctoring, it’s also basketball

September 15, 2006 § 1 Comment

The first step towards doctoring is junior clerkship. And after two weeks after taking that first step, I already learned so much and getting so many new insight on the job. I already spent few days each in surgery, neurology and internal medicine.

However, life isn’t just about doctoring. Life is also about working our butts off even when we’re not in our best physical condition. Life is about playing basketball with our friends and having a great time, which was what I did on Friday.

It was a tough day for me. I’d gotten sick since the night before, sore throat, cold, and perhaps sinusitis for the millionth time in my 21st year of living. I had a throbbing headache, runny nose, and my body aches. Perhaps, being chronically asthmatic since I was 5 made me more prone to this particular kind of illness. My favourite personal response to the sickness is to take a complete set of symptomatic medication and supplements because I knew I had to play in the basketball game the next day after a whole morning in the hospital. It’s a PORSENI basketball game against 05, and we really wanted to win.

In the morning my friends and I started as early as 7 am in internal medicine ward, but we didn’t finish until 12 pm. This time, the end justifies the mean; I took all the drugs I could put into my body, just so I could play well. I also went for a massage, a big lunch with carbohydrates, meat, and cheese. I took a nap for about 20 minutes. After that I was quite ready for the basketball game at 3pm.

It was a fun game. The crowd was great and energizing. Competing to me is like playing in a band; you perform in front of the crowd. I guess basketball, like music, brings out the performer in me. We played against two awesome juniors, my good friends, who are also in the varsity team with me. I played full time and got totally wasted. For an hour I forgot that I was sick and just play the hell out. It was a tight game, and we won just by one point. I was high after the game, especially because we won, but I wasn’t so hysterical about it coz I was also too sick.

We’re up against the residents in the finals. This is our first final ever after 3 years of PORSENI. Last year I didn’t play because I was just returning from Europe and too jetlagged for anything physical. The residents are probably more tired than us, but they’re all great veteran players, ex varsities, so the game should be really interesting. It’s easier to play a certain game, where we’re always certain that we can win. But knowing that we must be tough and hardworking until the last second is a more satisfying way to play sports.

RaTu. 15/9/06

Mini dictionary of medical life:
Junior clerkship: Clerkship at the hospital lasting for 2 months before continuing with senior clerkship for another 2 years. Junior clerkship starts at the 9th semester of medical school.
Residents: doctors who study to become specialists

fukcing coats

September 15, 2006 § Leave a comment

Life sucks when you thought you’d be served with perfection but ended up getting mediocrity instead.

I had two lab coats tailored two weeks ago, and one finished just today, already one day late from the appointed date. The other one will only be finished tomorrow. I was overly excited about the coats because they were custom designed, and supposed to look sophisticated. But when I got it, the stitches were roughly done, poorly cut, messy, dirty, and simply looked ugly to my eyes (without me wearing it). Of course, having a critical and semi-perfectionist personality (occasionally settling for sub-standards) grants me the ability to detect minor defects within seconds of observation. The coat was a major disappointment and with some major grunting and cursing directed toward the tailor, I decided that she is basically incapable of reaching my demand of quality. Therefore, like many other times before, I promise myself to spend more money for those able to provide me with better service next time. My mother is just as upset because she thought she could have recommended me a more expensive and appropriate tailor.

Some of you might see me as a neurotic biatch, crazy about something that’s so not important. I can see it in a much simpler way; that I’d spent my money and the product I received was way poor compared to its price. I’d rather call it an inherent tendency to demand the higher-than-average level of quality. Don’t hate me for my genetic predisposition to obsessiveness.

RaTu. 12/6/06. docere.antiblog.com

first week of junior clerkship

September 9, 2006 § Leave a comment

Wow… I haven’t had any strength to write anything since last week. It’s the first week of junior clerkship in the hospital for us, and it’s a major transition from the competitive but laid back attitude of campus life. My group worked on two patients with breast cancer in the surgery ward. We got a patient with hemorrhagic stroke and another with brain tumor in the neurology ward. We experienced the deaths of 3 patients in the ward in two days, and… well, it’s the first time I learn what that’s like for the senior clerk who had worked on those patients.

I’m still not sure what things from my daily experiences I want to make public. There are certainly things that I’d like to keep to myself; and maybe some others I’d like to share with all of you. Maybe some of you who’s already finished your medical education would see things differently from me, and that difference is really fine with me. I’d like to keep things fresh and “in the moment”, and if that means changing with time and experience then be it. I keep a daily journal of my experience. I want to stay honest and soft and vulnerable, even though it’s just to myself. But at least I’m keeping a record of my journey through med school and clerkship.

Anyway, it’s all observing and learning this week. There were plenty of actions going on in the neuro ward. There were plenty of honest statements about how we felt watching all that. Right now, it’s like I’m standing on a bridge and just watching the water flows beneath me. I just watch anything that happens and try to learn as much as possible. I hope my body is up for all the hours we must spend in the hospital.

The greatest thing is that it’s PORSENI time! My friend and I won a table tennis match on Thursday against class of 03. And just this evening our basketball team (with me also playing) won the match against Prodi Gizi. So, I can only look forward for our next matches…. I hope we do great.

Dailydoctorlife_1

Med school aint just awe and admiration from others

September 2, 2006 § Leave a comment

There’s always a first time in life. And so is in medical school. And let me tell you, these first time experiences are always interesting, anticipated with anxiety and excitement, and perhaps fear of the unknown. After doing it few times only we realized that it’s not such a big deal after all.

Let’s see. After 4 years in med school, I had my shares of first-times.

– First time seeing, touching, and dissecting the cadaver, 2nd semester. After a while, you started seeing it like it’s a thing for you to study.
– First time learning how to take blood sample with syringe, 4th semester. At my first time, I needed 20 minutes of self-assurance while holding the syringe before I could finally stick that needle into my friend’s arm.
– First time looking at dead fetus in glass jars. 1st semester.
– First time making preparation slide of human feces specimen, 4th semester.
– First time smelling and looking at sperm (or rather, ejaculate) samples, 1st semester.
– First time stitching up a rabbit.
– First time killing the lab mice for my research, 8th semester.
– First time being topless for about 20 minutes in front of 5 other females for final examination, 8th semester.
– And plenty of other first time experiences…

Now I’m aware that to be in medical school is to explore our senses. It’s a physical experience, a mental struggle, and a mind challenge through and through every day for years. Some see medical school as a privilege; if you get in then people admit that you are smart and chosen amongst so many other smart people; you get to be someone whose earning comes from helping others; you get to use your intelligence to serve greater purpose.

The truth is, we no longer feel privileged after attending the school. It’s hard and laborious work, luck, karma, courtesy, and other systems that you won’t find in other field. You continuously want to be better, or at least “not so bad”, that you no longer care about the admiration of people when they find out that you’re a medical student. Many people I met, whether in Jakarta, Rome, Madrid, and even Paris, looked at me in awe when they found out I was a medical student. It’s a universal reaction of admiration. The image of medical school everywhere is that it’s hard; and the image of medical students everywhere is that we’re very smart, or at least very hard-working.

The admiration of people is perhaps the last thing on our mind. We only care about what exam comes next, our grades, and what we need to do to get ahead at school.

Talking about the journey of medical school is not easy for me. Even when there’s much to tell you, we know that there’s always more coming. We can’t be proud nor be disappointed for too long after things happen. The race never really stops for us. We become failures only when we stop wanting and stop doing. We know that so many before us had succeeded all the hardship before, thus we take pleasure in admiring them and secretly praying that we too can get through all this.

September 06. RaTu. http://docere.antiblog.com

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